I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
