During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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