he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
