i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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