Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
