K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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