I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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