Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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