I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
