I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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