i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I smell stomach acid.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
