i just had sex bonerless
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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