i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
