When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You took a bar mat shot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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