I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
