I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
