so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
