Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
God I need to hump something, right now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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