Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
