it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
