I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
