i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
