some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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