Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
