my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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