it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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