the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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