Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
