I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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