i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
