i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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