I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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