we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
