pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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