she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
