3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Send help, water and tortillas.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
