Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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