I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
