Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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