return my video game
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
