my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
