they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
