Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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