This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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