My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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