I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
