i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
