I wish my penis had an off switch
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
