Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
