Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
