I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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